spring

Today the morning was very cold, and the afternoon was unprecedently warm. The forecast for the next few days affirms to me that Spring really is here. I don't know my favorite season, it's a hard question for me. I think I feel my favorite season needs to be the one that makes me the happiest. But I don't feel particularly happier in one season over the other. I enjoy the quiet of the winter but the reality of the bitter cold turns me away from being able to really enjoy it. If it weren't for the graces of modernity I definitely wouldn't make it through the winter alive. The summer is too long and too short, I don't mind the heat really but spending my time inside in the air conditioned air makes me feel uncomfortable. I feel like I'm wasting time, missing out, and most of the time I usually am. The fall has nothing for me, no ups, no downs, it's just fall. I like the leaves, but who doesn't? I was always drawn to Spring because of how my birthday is in May. I think that's a bad reasoning though. I'm not particularly crazy about my birthday, that's only one day out of the many months of Spring. It wouldn't make sense to base my enjoyment of the whole season on the one day. I do enjoy the weather of Spring, but only at times. When I was walking back to my dorm I was struck not only with the information that Spring really was here, but a recognizable bittersweet feeling that I've felt many times before. It's similar to that of Summer. I just feel like I'm missing out, not living life how I should be living life. I feel this way when I see other people outside enjoying themselves, playing basketball maybe, or sitting in the grass. I think I'm afraid of people. I felt bittersweet today but I think at the same time I also felt a sense of fear. I felt behind, out of touch, still living in winter, defined by its solitude and peaceful reckoning and not ready for the sociability of Spring. Again, I enjoy the winter because I like being alone more than not. (I do enjoy the company of others but don't usually seek it out) The lack of people is the reason I enjoy winter, A peaceful snowfall at night is always beautiful.


I do enjoy the Spring though, while the onset of the season filled me with a bittersweet feeling, I enjoy the days and nights that come with Spring. I enjoy Spring because it brings me the most of my favorite weather. The sunny days of Spring are warm, but not hot. I'm not completely a hermit. I do fear strangers and other people, but I enjoy the company of the people I have become friends with. These warm days are perfect with company, which obviosuly I don't always have. But something I can enjoy without the company of other people is the cool nights that follow a bright day. At night I can experience the peaceful lack of people and managably cool temperatures. When I want to be alone, the rain is always comforting, and I can get the most rain during the Spring. I enjoy the summer rain more, especially at night, because I like keeping my window slightly open to fall alseep to the sound and enjoy the slight breeze that makes it through. The summer rain though, unfortunately comes packages with heat and humidity that just feels gross. It's enjoyable either way though. I'm excited for the Spring, which I think is a new feeling. Usually the seasons pass and I feel nothing. While I felt bittersweet, I don't usually find this feeling to come from the seasons specifically. I think I was feeling two things at once, the joy of Spring, and the familiar negative feeling of feeling like I'm behind. "Behind" is very general, and it's hard for me to talk about the topic honestly, so I won't.


I feel good. Not all of the time, and maybe not even the majority of the time. But I feel like I've been feeling better. I do enjoy being alone, but it's not real enjoyment. Maybe I just like it because I can save myself from comparison with other people. I don't know if I experience seasonal depression, and this is me breaking out of it. I don't know a lot about myself. I feel good though, more often. I feel productive, more often. Maybe one of those caused the other, but I'm unsure which would've came first. I have some goals that I keep in a little list on my phone, they are short term goals, but they keep me going and keep me productive. I've begun to realize that feeling useful and productive, even if just for myself, makes me feel a lot better. It gives me less reasons to loathe myself. I'm excited for Spring. I plan to read, write, and take photos.