Myself

I wish that I never told anyone about this website. I usually find myself wishing I didn't tell a lot of people anything about me, because when I do I feel like I'm creating expectations for myself. I feel wrong whenever I do it because no one will ever live a day as me, just like I will never live a day as them. I want this to be a place only for me, where I can try and express myself as close to myself as possible. Any expression of myself feels filtered, and I can feel myself being filtered, I hate the way the words come out of my mouth. I hate the way I move and walk, I hate the way I dress, I hate the way I look. I want to rebrand myself. I have done it already, I changed my name, I have gone through the process of becoming, but I don't feel like I've done enough. I don't feel like I'm living the life I want to live, how I want to live it. I don't feel like myself, and the worst part is that I have no idea who I want to be, and if I can strive for that. I unfortunately know myself. I value inteligence over most other things, but to an extent where I feel I end up changing the things I say in order to exude inteligence, in this way I'm arrogant and unlikeable. I don't want to do this, and feel like garbage when I do, but I don't know how to change. I want to be so many things, and try to be so many things but I don't know how to be any one thing, because in order to become any one thing, something that I can easily think of in my mind, I have to ignore something else, whatever that something else may be. I feel like I would be reducing myself. What I don't want to come to terms with is that I am not capable of being any of these things I want to be. Any of these things that I feel jealous of other people for being. In reality, I know I am jealous of this idea of a person, just based completely of how they look, but I am superficial. I want to be beautiful, and I am not, and that pains me to no end. I want to be feminine, and I try, and I know I fail, and this pains me to not end. What I don't want to come to terms with is the possibility that this is me, this is how I am, that "myself" is defined as some strange combination between these things I want to be, that I am defined by this struggle. I don't want to fall into any one "category" of person, all idiotic stereotypes I need to let go of. I don't know how love works. I don't know if you are meant to love someone without knowing who they are, themselves, completely unfiltered and truly themselves. I don't know how you are meant to deal with the person you love not knowing who you are, every sickly bit of yourself. Not knowing who I am, every sickly bit of myself. I don't know how love works but it's all I want. Love feels like the answer but I feel unloveable, not just because of how I look, but because I know myself, and I fear the idea of someone knowing me as I know myself. I really hate myself. I don't understand loving myself because doing that requires ignoring who I am. How can I call myself beautiful, think of myself as beautiful when I'm ...........................